Non Veg Jokes
Sex stories
Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
The par is for this damn hole
The Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”
Honey, the prisoner escaped again
The bride tells her
KING AND HIS DAUGHTER
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic-anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured,”The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth.Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.
He too went away disappointed.The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question:What was the object in the prince’s pants?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
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What the princess touched was especially designed to melt in her mouth, not in her hand – it was an M&M. (Now what were you thinking?)
Chut or lode ki nai nai shadi
Chut or lode ki nai nai shadi hui thi.mgr dono ek dusre se jhagadte rahte the.chut isliye naraz thi ki lode ne use chut se bhosda bna diya tha.or loda isliye naraz tha ki jb bhi vo chut ke andar ghusta to cht pani chodkar use gila kar deti thi.ek din dono me khub jhgda hua.to chut boli ki agr me na hoti to orat bekar thi,or tum mere bina kya karte? To loda bola ki chut rani apna kya he tu na bhi hoti to apun to gand me hi ghus jata.ye sunkar chut ko or bhi gussa aaya.to chut boli ki tum na hote to or bhi acha hota.to loda haste hue bola ki agr me na hota to tere andar belan,kakdi or najane kya kya jata.or agr me na hota to aadmi to gandu ho jate.dekhlo jis aadmi ke paas me nahi hu vo gand hi marvata firta he.chut boli ki jyada gurur bhi mat kro.tum na hote to me to kisi bhi chiz ko andar leleti.me tumari mohtaz nahi hu.loda bola ki yaha kon tera mohtaz he.to chut boli ki tum sare lode bahut jalim hote ho.agr tumhare bde bhai ko meri choti bahan mil jae to jalim uski puri chatni bna dalta he.loda bola ki offffo jese ki tum sari chute sharif banti ho.tumhari bdi bahno ko mere chote bhai milte he to vo unko kitna jaleel karti he.ki bichare vo bhi jald bde hone ki khavahish karne lagte he.chut boli ki meri bdi bahno ki himmat he jo unko jaleel kar deti he.choti vali to bichariya nadan hoti he.isliye tumhare julm ka shikar ho jati he.loda bola jyada bakvaas mat kro vrna chod daluga.chut boli ki or tum kar bhi kya sakte ho.tumne to kbhi mujse pyaar bhi nahi kiya bs aae or dadagiri se sidhe andar ghus gaye.to loda jazbat me aakar bola ki esi baat mat kro,tumhe kya pta me to tumhare milne se pahle hi rato ko tumhare khab sjata tha.or jb tumhari jyada yaad stati to pent me hi safed aansu bahata tha.kon kahta he ki loda mutne ko jata he,vo to chut ki yaad me aansu bahane jata he.mgr tum sari chute bevafa hoti ho hme chorkar belan ,bengan ,dande,pen or njane kya kya andar leleti ho.ham bichare tum nahi milti to gand me ghus kr hi gujara kar lete.vo bhi nahi milti to ham apne aadmi ko itna paresan kar dete ki vo apne hath ko chut bnakar hme usme hi daal leta or ham teri mohbbat me hath me bhi tera tasavvur karke ghus jate,ham to ishk me andhe ho jate.or aadmi hme us hath ki chut me andar bahar karke hi thanda kar deta.fir jb ham hosh me aate to bahut pachtate.or hmare sath sath hme satane vale ,hath ki chut bnakar hme ghusa kar dhoka dene vale bhi bahut pachtate.lekin ham log thode shararti he na isliye aadmi log hme esi sjaae dete he.chut boli ki hamne bhi to tum logo se kitna ishk kiya he,jb tumhari yaad aati to ham majbur hokar kisi dusri chiz ko tumara tasavvur karke dalti thi.tumhari mohbbat me andhi hokar dalti thi or apni pyas bujhati thi,mgr tum ne hmari is majburi ko hmari be vfai samjha .ye kahkar chut rone lgi.or loda chut ko rota dekh kar pyaar se bola ki naraz na ho janeman tumhare bina to me bilkul adhura hu.mere jin bhaiyo ko tumhari bahne nahi mili unse pucho ki vo kitne tadapte he.rato ko nind me rote he.or under viar se apne aansu punchte he.unke jajbat ko unke ghar vale bhi nahi samajh pate.vo majbur or bebas he.or mere ese bhi bhai he jinhone tumhe ek baar bhi nahi dekha mgr ye unki mohbbte he ki vo bin dekhe tum pr fida he.vo rote he mgr unke aansu bhi nahi nikal pate.fir chut boli ki sare lode madar chod or bhen chod hote he.ye sunkar lode ko gussa aa gya loda bola bosdi ,chut rand ruk me abi teri ma ko chodta hu.ye kahkar lode ne chut ko patka,or uske upr uske beej pr or bahar apne hoth ferne lga.or jor jor se uski jhanto ke balo ko chumne lga.itne me chut grm ho gai,chut ko apne andar khaaj si mahsus hui.to loda andar ghusne ki bajay bahar uske samne khada apni numaish karne lga.chut jo grm ho chuki thi,tadapne lgi.or lode ki minnate karne lgi.or gana gate hue lode ko manane lgi.
Kamina Shayar
A very Kamina shayar made it to the marriage party of a Nizam
Chutiya Randi
ek bar do ra#di thi unme se ek ne dusri ne pucha tum kitna paisa leti ho? to jawab aaya 10000, phir pahli ne pucha kaise main to umar me bhi 20 hu aur tum 40, main to bahut sundar bhi hu aur tum kali, meri to figure bhi bahot shandaar hai, par mujhe koi 100 rs. se jyada nahi deta, tum apna raaj batao.
dusari ne raaj bataya: grahaak ko batati hu ki main abhi tak fresh maal hu, gurranty deti hu agar nahi ho to dugne paise wapas phir apni ch~t me ek patake wali TIKLDI laga leti hu, TIKKDI ki awaj Jab use cho%ne me aati hai to wo khus ho jata ki usne hi pehli baar phoda hai. pehli rand jyada samjhdari karke apni ch~t me SUNTLI BOMB laga leti hai aur grahak se 10,000 mangti hai. jab grahak use karta hai PHATAK ki awaj aati hai, wo punchti hai maja aaya, grahak bolta hai: maje ki maa ki ch~t pehle ye bata mera TOPA (Lu#d ka) kahan hai?
Talwaar choot mein ghusa ke gaand se nikaal doonga
Ek baar, Akbar ke darbar mein ek randi ne mujra kiya. Woh badi hi KANTEELI NACHANIYA thi.Itni zor se naachi ke sabke tatte short ho gaye.
Akbar bahut khush ho gaya. Usne randi ko kaha, “Jamnabai, bol tujhe kya inaam chahiye meri jaan? Sona-chandi, heere-moti,jaageer…. kya chahiye, bol.Agar teri kisise dushmani ho to bhi bataa de……uski behen chod di jayegi.”
Randi bahut khush hui muh maange inaam ki baat sunke.Par woh bahut hi bhenchod kism ki aurat thi. Uske gandu dimaag mein to kuch aur hi tha.
Woh Akbar se boli, “Jahanpanah, jaan ki salaamati mile to kuch arz
karoon”.
Akbar waise hi uske naach pe bahut senti tha.Woh bola, “Jo marzi
maang, Jamna darling.”
Randi boli,”Jahanpanah, mujhe aapki raajgadi pe tatti karni hai.”
Ek baar to Akbar ko samajh hi nahin aaya ki kya yeh randi BAWLI GAAND to nahin ho gayi? Lekin woh manaa bhi nahin kar sakta tha….promise jo kar diya tha. Usne randi ko kuch aur maangne ke liye kaha, par randi bhi bahut seasoned campaigner thi…. woh nahin maani. Akbar bhi bechara kya karta, usne 15 din baad ki date dedi.
Usne socha ki baad mein randi pe pressure dalwa ke cancel karwa dega, par bhen ki laudi maan ke nahin deti thi. Jab Tatti-day nazdeek aa gaya, Akbar ki gaand bahut zyaada phat gayi….usne us waqt Birbal ko yaad kiya.
Usne Birbal se kaha ki ab mughal sultanat ki izzat usi ke haath mein
hai. Birbal ne bhi Akbar ko promise kar diya ki chaahe use apni maa chudwaani pade, woh mughal sultanat ki izzat pe aanch nahin aane dega. Akbar bhi nischint ho gaya.
Finally Tatti-day aa gaya. Akbar to raat bhar so bhi nahin saka.
Bhenchod ki khud ki tatti band ho gayi. Subah -subah randi ne darbaar mein grand entrance maara. Kehne lagi, “Jahanpanah, main teen din se nahin hagi hoon… jaldi se raajgaddi pe haggi maarne ki vyawastha kijiye.”
Akbar ne phatti gaand ke saath Birbal ki taraf dekha. Birbal to bhen
ka lauda hasi has raha tha. Apni seat se khada hua aur bola, “Jamnabai, tumne tatti karne ki demand ki thi….so karo. Lekin agar ek boond bhi moot nikal aaya to yeh talwaar choot mein ghusa ke gaand se nikaal doonga….”
Randi ko samajh aa gaya ki is baar uska paala kisi andu pandu se
nahin, Birbal se pada hai. Woh chupchaap uthi aur ghar chali gayi………
Tansen ja choos Birbal ka lund
To bhaiyon yeh baat hai Akbar ke zamane ki….
Usne 9 chutiye lundoore paal rakhe the..
Popularly known as his 9 ratans…!!!
Birbal aur Tansen me bada Kaampeeteesan raha karta
tha…
EK din gusse me aake Tansen kehta hai ki ” Ab faisla
ho hi jaye ki kaun zyada bada betichod hai???? main shart marta hoon ki main Jodha bai ke mammey choos sakta hoon”
Birbal ki has has ke gaand me dard ho gaya… Kehta hai ki “Agar toone aisa kar diya to agle din bhari sabha me mai nangaa aaunga”…
Bas fir hona kya tha lag gayi shart…
Tansen gaya bazaar, sapere ke paas. kehta hai ki “Bhai, mujhe ek saanp chahiye, untrained aur bina zehar ke hona chahiye”.
Saanp khareed ke Tansen usko ghar pe training dena shuru karta hai. ek aadmi ka putla banake saanp
ko kehta hai ” BETA SAPPU uske tang pe kaat”. to sappu putle ke taang pe jake das leta hai…Aise hi training karte karte
sappu Tansen ka ishara dekh kar taang, haath gala ityadi ko dasna seekh jaata hai..
Jahan bhi Tansen ishara karta, Sappu waha das leta…Training karke sappu ab taiyar ho gaya Big Day ke liye…
Ab baat aisi thi ki Akbar aur Jodha bai har subah apne bageeche me sair ke liye nikalte the. agle din subah Tansen bhi apne sappu
ke saath bageeche me ja pahuncha…aur jhadiyon me chhip gaya…Jahaan panah aur begum ko aata dekh tansen ne sappu ko phat se nikalke zameen pe chhod diya aur ishara Jodha bai ke mammon ki taraf karke bola..
“BETA SAPPU dikha apna kamaal ja das le rani ke Mammon
ko….”Sappu phat se gaya, begum ki taang par chadh ke,mansal Jangho se gujerke chut ko par kar ke seedha ja pahunchta hai mammon ke beech vali khai me vaha se plan ke mutabik seedha left turn le ke chadh jata hai Top pe aur ek second mein saali ko das leta hai nipple pe…
Jodha chikhne lage” Are Mere randibaaj Akbar kuch ker
na”
Akbar to paagal ho gaya…”Arre bachao koi bachao meri begum ko saap ne das liya koi Bachoooo”
Tabhi Tansen nikla jhadiyon se, bhaag ke gaya aur bola “Jahan panah ek Upay hai mere paas rani sahebaan ko bachaneka.
Main agar zehar choos kar bahar nikal doon to aap gussa hokar meri gand to nahi katwa denge na?? Akbar bola Madar chod jo bhi
karna ho jaldi kar but
meri begum ko bacha le…phir kya tha Tansen ne phat se Jodha bai ko pakda, uske kapde Ranjit ki tarah fade aur mammey bahar nikal
kar chhosne
laga….aur poore ke poore choos dale…( Aur idher -udher haath bhi maar liye harami ne)
Birbal ne ye baat suni to uski gaand se maano Rocket guzar gaya…. man hi man sochne laga Bhenchod kal to lut gayee izzat, bhare darbaar me nang dhadang jaan padega….gaand lag gayi…Usne khoob socha, baal khujlaye (upar ke bhi neeche ke bhi) lekin no idea…Gaand jab khujayee to idea Lund ki tarah uchhal kar bahar aaya…
Agle din darbaar laga, Akbar ne sabke samne Tansen ki tareef ki aur kaha agar tansen me zehar choosne ki shakti nahi hoti to Jahan panah aaj randwe hote….aur akele apne aap hilaa rahe hote….
Tansen on other hand cud not wait for Birbal to make an appearance…khushi ke maare pagal ho raha tha ye soch kar ki jab Birbal bhare darbaar me nanga hokar aayega to Akbar ki gaand sharm se paani paani ho jayegi….YESSS….
wo birbal ke gaand pe itne hunter maarenge ki Birbal ki 7 pushte muh se hagegi….tabhi darbaar me hulchul machi…sabne dekha ki Birbal nanga hokar, apna lauda haath me pakde, dudta hua aa raha
hai… Bas phir hona kya tha Akbar ki gaand gusse se LAAL ho
gayi…bola “Birbal ye kya gustakhi hai???” teri himmat kaise hui aise nange aane ki??
Birbal bola “Haye Jahan panah mai mar gaya mujhe saap ne kaat liya …mere laude pe..”
Akbar bola “Tansen ja choos Birbal ka lund “
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